Margie Freeman LCSW

Providing individual and couples therapy counseling in South Orange and Northern New Jersey

vulnerability

Dial Down Reactivity in Your Relationships

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Reactivity-dial down-blankOne of the greatest obstacles to a successful relationship is over-reactivity of one or both partners. Here is a quick tool to help with that:

If you have a situation in which you or your partner is over-reacting, think about “dialing down you reactivity.” Perhaps you can picture a dial with a needle and notice what number the needle is on. Connect to the logical part of yourself. See if you can use the power of your imagination to dial the number down, down to the “just right” level to be effective. Or perhaps you are turning a knob that moves the needle down to the optimal range. Focus on your breathing, taking deep, relaxing breaths and allow waves of relaxation to slow your pulse, lower your blood pressure, and move the needle down to the optimal range. The more you practice, the easier it will become!

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Margie Freeman, L.C.S.W. | Mindfulness | counseling

I am a psychotherapist trained in a variety of approaches designed to help you reach your personal goals and self-understanding. These include: brief, solution-focused counseling, cognitive-behavioral therapy (Adlerian orientation), and psychodynamic therapy. At times I also use hypnosis or EMDR. I am the founder of Counseling Care Specialties in South Orange, New Jersey.

Using my professional training and experience, I provide an environment in which you can feel comfortable exploring new insights and options. The ability to view yourself and your situation from a broader perspective can lead you to a sense of empowerment and to making positive changes.

We can also work on developing new skills in interpersonal relationships, stress management for mind/body wellness, and healing from emotional pain, both present and past.

Anger and Authenticity

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Anger-authenticity postPeople often deny their anger at the same time that  they hold on to it. Don’t be afraid to recognize that you’re angry.  Denying your anger fuels hostility, grudges, and the sense of being a victim. It is important for couples to get their issues out into the open, but in a calm and respectful way.

If your partner launches into an angry assault, do your best not to get entangled in the contagion of the anger. It is worth taking a time out. Once you have calmed down, see if you can take the risk of being more honest with each other. Rather than pointing out each other’s imperfections and the differences between you, you can commit to being more honest with each other, hearing each other out, and empathizing with each other. You each need to be authentic and caring with each other, accept each other as you are, with all your differences.

The ideas in this post are based on the work of Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson: TELL ME NO LIES.

Commitment

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Deciding whether or not to commit to a relationship is one of the most important decisions of your life. Pat Love, in The Truth About Love, suggests taking a close, soul-searching look at your relationship.

Commitment

Here are some key questions she suggests that you ask yourself:

  • Are you certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
  • If somehow you inherited fifty million dollars, would you stay in this relationship?
  • If you knew for sure you were going to live to age 100 and be in good health, is this the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with?
  • Are you completely honest about your spending?
  • Do you consult each other on important matters?
  • Do you weigh personal decisions against implications for you and your partner?
  • Do you take responsibility for repairing damage to your relationship?
  • Would it be really difficult for you to lose this relationship?
  • Do you feel 100% clear about staying in this relationship?

 

When commitment is in question, there is no sense of safety in a relationship. Sometimes people avoid commitment due to fear of connection. However, if you fear commitment, you will prevent a deep connection with your partner. If you do commit, one of the ways that you can demonstrate commitment is by making your partner’s needs a priority in areas that touch his/her heart. This might mean putting your own needs on hold at times. You can also acknowledge and appreciate the ways your partner shows dedication. Pat says “A satisfying relationship is the single greatest predictor of success in life…an unhappy relationship can make your life miserable.” I say, “choose wisely.”

 

Embracing Emotion

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embrace emotionsOne of the many benefits of mindfulness practice is that it helps us cultivate “affect tolerance.” We learn how to tolerate our emotions, particularly painful ones, without running away from them. When we spend time allowing ourselves to experience our feelings without escaping into entertainment or distraction, we become better at tolerating discomfort.

When we learn how to endure and embrace our own emotions, we can also practice being with all the emotions that arise in relationships. If we are no longer so afraid of having our feelings hurt, we can be more flexible and open in our relationships. Learning to tolerate our feelings helps us listen to others, to be with them in their feelings.This empathy helps relationships deepen. If we attempt to avoid discomfort, it can isolate us from others. If we choose not to expose our vulnerabilities to others, we end up alone.

Being able to share and communicate our emotions, including our vulnerabilities, helps us feel close in love relationships and friendships. Practice tolerating, embracing and sharing your emotions with significant others in your life. You’ll be glad you did! Embracing Emotions

Complaint, Criticism, and Contempt. Learn the differences and improve your relationships.

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criticism, complaint, contemptHow we communicate our displeasure can make all the difference in the world to the quality of your relationship. John Gottman (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail) points out the distinctions between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.

A complaint is a specific statement of distress, displeasure, or anger. A criticism is more global, less specific. When you complain, you are referring to a particular action (or lack of action). When you criticize, you are attacking the character of the person.

For example, a complaint is: ” I am disappointed that you did not make plans for us to go out last Saturday night.” A criticism is: “You never make plans for us to go out.”

Contempt has the intention of insulting your partner. You are stabbing into the heart of your partner’s sense of self with words and body language. Contempt can involve insults, name-calling, and/or mockery. Some signs of contempt are communicated with body language: sneering, rolling your eyes, glaring, etc.

An example of contempt would be: “You are such a passive and selfish bastard, you can’t be bothered with asking me out.” Contempt (and disgust) can overwhelm a relationship, are toxic to the ongoing health of the relationship, and should be banned from couple interactions.

Complaints are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Your must communicate what is troubling you authentically and honestly. If criticism becomes pervasive, and if your partner is sensitive to it, it can corrode the relationship.

Your relationship will improve if you you approach your partner with specific complaints rather than attacking your partner’s character. Criticism and contempt need to be countered with compliments and expressions of mutual admiration if you want your relationship to succeed. Learning how you communicate can make all the difference in the world!

Strategies for Successful Marriage

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Improve MarriagePsychologist John Gottman is a pioneer in researching marriage, studying thousands of couples for over 4 decades! He is renowned for his ability to predict—with 94% accuracy—which couples will stay married and which will divorce, by listening to their recorded conversations.

He has identified what he calls “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”,  1) criticism, 2) contempt, 3) defensiveness, and 4) stonewalling.  If your relationship feels like it is being overwhelmed by negativity, be sure to avoid these 4 behaviors during disagreements if you want your marriage to survive.

Here are some strategies to improve your marriage:

1) Calm down. Recognize when you or your spouse has become flooded (over-emotional) and give yourselves time to calm down before continuing a difficult discussion.

2) Speak non-defensively—both when speaking and when listening. Non-defensive listening doesn’t mean you need to agree with your partner. Just try to understand your partner’s feelings and accept them as legitimate. Empathize with your partner’s emotions and viewpoint, so your partner will feel supported and validated.

3) Choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse. Become the architect of your thoughts, your inner script. Look at the positive qualities of your partner. Learn to think empathically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through. Once you begin rethinking your marriage, let your partner know what you appreciate. He/she will appreciate your genuine, heartfelt appreciation, even if it seems unnatural at first.

4) Make sure that your day to day interactions include lots of validation and other expressions of respect and affection. Respect is the minimum of love.

If you master these skills during non-crisis times, they will be easier to access when you are in the midst of an argument. As with any new endeavor, learning to argue effectively takes practice—but it is worth it for a healthy, long-term intimate relationship.

Feel free to call me if you need more guidance with your communications.

Improve marriage.

 

Improve marriage.

 

Becoming a Conscious Marriage Partner and Parent

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Parenting_Margie_Freeman become a better parentPeople get stuck in parenting where they themselves are stunted psychologically, and the same is true of marriage partners, according to Harville Hendrix (Giving the Love that Heals). Marriage can be healing when both partners restore their own wholeness by stretching to meet each other’s needs. Parenting can be healing when parents stretch to meet the needs of their children at precisely those stages at which their own behavior became incomplete. Both marriage and parenting can be transformational because the healing experiences can change the character of the people involved.

Harville Hendrix refers to “conscious marriage” and “conscious parenting” and offers tools for how parents can grow through parenting their own children. These parenting tools, similar to conscious marriage communication, include intentional dialogue which involves mirroring, validating, and empathizing. He warns that the cycle of wounding will continue until parents undertake to become more conscious in their relationship with each other and with their children.

Please call Counseling Care Specialties at 973-432-5115 to learn more about how to become a conscious marriage partner and a conscious parent.