habits

Anger and Authenticity

November 19, 2014 by Margie

People often deny their anger at the same time that they hold on to it. Don’t be afraid to recognize that you’re angry. Denying your anger fuels hostility, grudges, and the sense of being a victim. It is important for couples to get their issues out into the open, but in a calm and respectful way.

If your partner launches into an angry assault, do your best not to get entangled in the contagion of the anger. It is worth taking a time out. Once you have calmed down, see if you can take the risk of being more honest with each other. Rather than pointing out each other’s imperfections and the differences between you, you can commit to being more honest with each other, hearing each other out, and empathizing with each other. You each need to be authentic and caring with each other, accept each other as you are, with all your differences.

The ideas in this post are based on the work of Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson: TELL ME NO LIES.

Embracing Emotion

June 2, 2014 by Margie

One of the many benefits of mindfulness practice is that it helps us cultivate “affect tolerance.” We learn how to tolerate our emotions, particularly painful ones, without running away from them. When we spend time allowing ourselves to experience our feelings without escaping into entertainment or distraction, we become better at tolerating discomfort.

When we learn how to endure and embrace our own emotions, we can also practice being with all the emotions that arise in relationships. If we are no longer so afraid of having our feelings hurt, we can be more flexible and open in our relationships. Learning to tolerate our feelings helps us listen to others, to be with them in their feelings.This empathy helps relationships deepen. If we attempt to avoid discomfort, it can isolate us from others. If we choose not to expose our vulnerabilities to others, we end up alone.

Being able to share and communicate our emotions, including our vulnerabilities, helps us feel close in love relationships and friendships. Practice tolerating, embracing and sharing your emotions with significant others in your life. You’ll be glad you did! Embracing Emotions

3 Tips for Living Life to the Fullest

May 26, 2014 by Margie

In his best-selling book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (And It’s All Small Stuff), Richard Carlson offers 100 suggestions for keeping life in perspective. Here are 3 of my favorites:

1) Choose Being Kind Over Being Right: We are often tempted to “correct people,” to put them down, or to prove that we are right and they are wrong. However, in order to experience equanimity, we should choose kindness over being right most of the time. If we insist on being right, we too often pay the price—our inner peace. When we are kind, we experience positive feelings.

2) Keep Asking Yourself: “What Is Really Important?” Many of us feel lost and overwhelmed in the responsibilities and chaos of our lives. When we are overwhelmed, it is easy to forget about and postpone what is truly dear to our hearts. It is helpful to check in with ourselves periodically and ask: What is really important?” This helps keep us aware that we have choices. It helps us align our actions with our goals and our priorities.

3) Be Open To “What Is.” This is a basic spiritual principle in many philosophies. We experience internal struggle when we want life to be a certain way and then it doesn’t go the way we wanted. Once we accept life the way it is, and embrace the truth of the moment, it will lead us to greater peace of mind and well-being.

To get started on your healing journey setup an appointment with Margie Freeman, LCSW by clicking here or calling her direct line at (973) 432-5115.

Complaint, Criticism, and Contempt. Learn the differences and improve your relationships.

May 19, 2014 by Margie

How we communicate our displeasure can make all the difference in the world to the quality of your relationship. John Gottman (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail) points out the distinctions between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.

A complaint is a specific statement of distress, displeasure, or anger. A criticism is more global, less specific. When you complain, you are referring to a particular action (or lack of action). When you criticize, you are attacking the character of the person.

For example, a complaint is: ” I am disappointed that you did not make plans for us to go out last Saturday night.” A criticism is: “You never make plans for us to go out.”

Contempt has the intention of insulting your partner. You are stabbing into the heart of your partner’s sense of self with words and body language. Contempt can involve insults, name-calling, and/or mockery. Some signs of contempt are communicated with body language: sneering, rolling your eyes, glaring, etc.

An example of contempt would be: “You are such a passive and selfish bastard, you can’t be bothered with asking me out.” Contempt (and disgust) can overwhelm a relationship, are toxic to the ongoing health of the relationship, and should be banned from couple interactions.

Complaints are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Your must communicate what is troubling you authentically and honestly. If criticism becomes pervasive, and if your partner is sensitive to it, it can corrode the relationship.

Your relationship will improve if you you approach your partner with specific complaints rather than attacking your partner’s character. Criticism and contempt need to be countered with compliments and expressions of mutual admiration if you want your relationship to succeed. Learning how you communicate can make all the difference in the world!

Strategies for Successful Marriage

May 12, 2014 by Margie

Psychologist John Gottman is a pioneer in researching marriage, studying thousands of couples for over 4 decades! He is renowned for his ability to predict—with 94% accuracy—which couples will stay married and which will divorce, by listening to their recorded conversations.

He has identified what he calls “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”, 1) criticism, 2) contempt, 3) defensiveness, and 4) stonewalling. If your relationship feels like it is being overwhelmed by negativity, be sure to avoid these 4 behaviors during disagreements if you want your marriage to survive.

Here are some strategies to improve your marriage:

1) Calm down. Recognize when you or your spouse has become flooded (over-emotional) and give yourselves time to calm down before continuing a difficult discussion.

2) Speak non-defensively—both when speaking and when listening. Non-defensive listening doesn’t mean you need to agree with your partner. Just try to understand your partner’s feelings and accept them as legitimate. Empathize with your partner’s emotions and viewpoint, so your partner will feel supported and validated.

3) Choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse. Become the architect of your thoughts, your inner script. Look at the positive qualities of your partner. Learn to think empathically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through. Once you begin rethinking your marriage, let your partner know what you appreciate. He/she will appreciate your genuine, heartfelt appreciation, even if it seems unnatural at first.

4) Make sure that your day to day interactions include lots of validation and other expressions of respect and affection. Respect is the minimum of love.

If you master these skills during non-crisis times, they will be easier to access when you are in the midst of an argument. As with any new endeavor, learning to argue effectively takes practice—but it is worth it for a healthy, long-term intimate relationship.

Feel free to call me if you need more guidance with your communications.

Improve marriage.

Make Your Relationship Last! No More Ignoring Your Issues.

March 17, 2014 by Margie

So often in my work with couples, I see a pattern that one or both of the partners of a couple fail to express their needs, issues, or problems. It sometimes feels easier to ignore our concerns and push them away. Maybe we are afraid of hurting our partner’s feelings or afraid of an angry response.

When we don’t express our needs and concerns, our resentment builds. There is sometimes an explosive conflict or a gradual shut down by one or both parties. Minimizing your issues may seem easier in the moment, but it only makes the issues grow larger in the long run.

If you don’t express your concerns, it creates distance between you and your partner. If you refrain from telling your truth, you sacrifice an authentic connection with your partner. This will ultimately sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship. You will harbor resentment due to your unmet needs and unexpressed feelings.

I encourage my clients to be honest with themselves, to speak their truths to each other in respectful ways. Remember that your needs are not more important or less important than those of your partner.

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Please give me a call at (973)220-9007 or email me by filling out the form below to schedule an appointment.

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Do you struggle with procrastination?

March 10, 2014 by Margie

“Procrastination is a habit you develop to cope with anxiety about starting or completing a task. It is your attempted solution to cope with tasks that are boring or overwhelming.” Neal Fiore: The Now Habit.

Instead of getting caught in the vicious cycle of getting overwhelmed, feeling pressured, fearing failure, trying harder, working longer, feeling resentful, losing motivation, and then procrastinating, Neal Fiore teaches you how to develop “The Now Habit.” He points out that procrastination is not the cause of our problems in accomplishing tasks. Rather, it is our attempt to resolve our underlying issues, such as low-self-esteem, perfectionism, fear of failure or success, indecisiveness, and an imbalance between work and play.

For a complete program in helping you overcome the underlying issues related to procrastination, I highly recommend this book. It will be even more effective if it is coupled with the guidance of a counselor/coach/therapist. Please call now to learn powerful tools to help you overcome procrastination and learn to enjoy your leisure time free of guilt!

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Feel free to message me directly about your procrastination issues or any issues you are having.

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How do people change?

January 20, 2014 by Margie

Striving for New Goals in 2014

How do people change?

About 2,400 years ago, Aristotle said that habits (the things you repeat over and over again) lead to your character and that your character leads to your destiny. In recent years, there has been a lot of research on neuroplasticity, which verifies his perspective!

Many habits and addictions are a function of neuroplasticity. The paradox of neuroplasticity is that our brains can develop more rigid or more flexible behaviors. Be cautious about how you train your brain, because if you train yourself in bad habits, it will be difficult (not impossible) to overcome. Trained neurons fire stronger signals. Stay conscious, to train your brain to form habits that you desire.

As you set new goals for 2014, stay mindful of your goals and practice, practice, practice flexibility to develop desired new patterns. These repeated healthy patterns will eventually create new stronger pathways in your brain. You can train your brain for greater flexibility, and achieve your goals for the new year!