BOUNDARIES

Make Your Relationship Last! No More Ignoring Your Issues.

March 17, 2014 by Margie

So often in my work with couples, I see a pattern that one or both of the partners of a couple fail to express their needs, issues, or problems. It sometimes feels easier to ignore our concerns and push them away. Maybe we are afraid of hurting our partner’s feelings or afraid of an angry response.

When we don’t express our needs and concerns, our resentment builds. There is sometimes an explosive conflict or a gradual shut down by one or both parties. Minimizing your issues may seem easier in the moment, but it only makes the issues grow larger in the long run.

If you don’t express your concerns, it creates distance between you and your partner. If you refrain from telling your truth, you sacrifice an authentic connection with your partner. This will ultimately sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship. You will harbor resentment due to your unmet needs and unexpressed feelings.

I encourage my clients to be honest with themselves, to speak their truths to each other in respectful ways. Remember that your needs are not more important or less important than those of your partner.

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Please give me a call at (973)220-9007 or email me by filling out the form below to schedule an appointment.

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Emotional Infidelity

September 30, 2013 by Margie

One of the biggest threats to marriage/relationships these days is “emotional infidelity.” It is not unusual for close relationships to develop in the workplace, but sometimes they spiral out of control. Do you find yourself keeping thoughts and feelings from your partner? Keeping secrets and trying to cover your tracks? Do you find yourself thinking about your special work friend and opting out of activities with your partner or your family? If so, these could be warning signs of emotional infidelity. If you spend extended time alone with your friend, you are “playing with fire.” That is when friendship often crosses the line from platonic to sexual.

Even if your friendship does not cross the line, when you share your deepest concerns, hopes, and dreams with this friend at work, it builds an emotional bond and deepens feelings of intimacy. If you start confiding in this friend about what is wrong with your partner or with your marriage/relationship, it can be viewed as a betrayal of trust. You may start to compare your mate with your work friend and conclude that your friend understands you better than your partner does. You gradually build a case in your mind, justifying your avoidance and mistreatment of your partner and your fantasized love relationship with your friend.

The intensity of emotional infidelity can be viewed as an addictive process. The neurochemicals that get activated when you think about and interact with this person are addictive. When you are addicted to a person, a substance, or an activity, you are not able to think clearly and make informed choices. These neurochemicals give you that quick fix of pleasure and reward the toxic pattern. An addiction to an activity, person or substance puts you in an intoxicating trance that does not allow you to think clearly. The “love addiction” helps numb feelings of pain, shame or guilt and provides temporary escape from the responsibility of resolving the real issues of your marriage and your life.

If you find yourself “obsessed” with a friend at work (or elsewhere), it may be time to explore these feelings with a therapist and get clarity about the addictive process that is occurring. It is time to address the issues in yourself and in your primary relationship.

Three Kinds of Boundaries and Why You Need Them In All of Your Relationships

August 12, 2013 by Margie

Boundaries are systems you create for setting limits in relationships with others. We all have different wants and needs and require various boundaries for our relationships. Each of us needs to contain ourselves in certain ways so as not to be offensive to others. In turn, we also need to set boundaries to protect ourselves from others.

Boundaries are necessary in relationships. A boundary functions as a filter. You don’t want to have a wall for a boundary, or you cannot have meaningful intimate exchange. If you have no boundaries, you leave yourself open and vulnerable to becoming a victim. Boundaries teach others how you would like to treated in a relationship and otherwise.

Boundaries need to be semi-permeable. They enable you to know and be known by others in a respectful way. Respect is necessary in all relationships, especially intimate ones.

Spatial Boundaries:

You have the right to control how close someone gets to you and whether someone can touch you and/or your personal property. The other person has the same rights.

Sexual Boundaries:

When someone is approaching you sexually, you have the right to decide with whom you want to be sexual and under what circumstances: when, where, how, etc. Others have the same rights if you approach them sexually.

Verbal Communication Boundaries:

When someone is speaking to you, determine whether what the other person is saying is true or not true, possibly true, but you need more information to decide, or a boundary violation. When you speak to someone else, they have the right to decide the same about what you are saying. If what they are saying is a boundary violation, you need to stand up for yourself and call them on it.

Be conscious of how you feel and try to realize when you feel happy or unhappy. Think about the kinds of spatial, sexual, and verbal boundaries you can set to help your relationships thrive. At first, It can be daunting to implement your boundaries, especially if you are not accustomed to setting limits in your relationships.

There are many ways I can help develop the skills and the courage to create boundaries to improve the quality of your life and of your relationships. Please give me a call at 973-220-9007 or e-mail me at [email protected].