Self

Do you struggle with procrastination?

March 10, 2014 by Margie

“Procrastination is a habit you develop to cope with anxiety about starting or completing a task. It is your attempted solution to cope with tasks that are boring or overwhelming.” Neal Fiore: The Now Habit.

Instead of getting caught in the vicious cycle of getting overwhelmed, feeling pressured, fearing failure, trying harder, working longer, feeling resentful, losing motivation, and then procrastinating, Neal Fiore teaches you how to develop “The Now Habit.” He points out that procrastination is not the cause of our problems in accomplishing tasks. Rather, it is our attempt to resolve our underlying issues, such as low-self-esteem, perfectionism, fear of failure or success, indecisiveness, and an imbalance between work and play.

For a complete program in helping you overcome the underlying issues related to procrastination, I highly recommend this book. It will be even more effective if it is coupled with the guidance of a counselor/coach/therapist. Please call now to learn powerful tools to help you overcome procrastination and learn to enjoy your leisure time free of guilt!

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Feel free to message me directly about your procrastination issues or any issues you are having.

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Being Mindful

March 2, 2014 by Margie

“Learning To Be With Our Experience: Dan Siegel writes in The Mindfulness Solution: When we practice mindfulness meditation, we practice being with whatever is occurring at the moment without doing anything to try to change or escape it. We pay attention to how things actually are rather than how we want them to be. This is very different from our usual approach to discomfort. Instead of trying to make it go away, we work on increasing our capacity to bear it.”

Make Peace

February 17, 2014 by Margie

“A peaceful heart is essential for well-being. The Vietnamese Zen monk Thich Nhat Hahn, a master of reconciliation, often speaks of being peace. As long as we feel the need to defend ourselves, the inner battle will continue. But when we can be peace – drop feelings of “us-versus-them” and live from a place that sees no separation from others – we can make peace with everyone, ourselves included.” -1001 Mediations, Mike George

For many more inspiring quotes, tips, and relationship talk, please visit my Facebook page.

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Please feel free to contact me at 973-220-9007 or by filling out the form below to start a conversation about whether therapy is a good option for you at this time. During our initial conversation we can discuss issues you may be having with a partner or yourself. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

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How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

February 10, 2014 by Margie

To Lie or Not to Lie – How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

Honesty in marriage and relationships takes guts and courage. It is a process, not a one-time revelation. You build relationship “muscle” by telling and hearing smaller truths, so you and your partner can handle the tougher stuff.

One book I often encourage my clients to read is Ellyn Bader’s Tell Me No Lies. Below are some reasons partners lie to one another and some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling from Ellyn’s book.

Several reasons partners lie:

They want to look good….so they lie.
They want to avoid hurting or disappointing a partner…so they lie.
They fear that the truth will unleash conflict that will endanger the relationship…so they lie.
They feel stupid or ashamed about something they did…so they lie.

These are some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling:

“I want you to tell me how you feel…(but watch out if you tell me something I don’t want to hear.)”
“Tell me again why….(but this time tell me what I want to hear.)”
“I want the truth…(but you know I’ll suffer if you tell me.)”
“I don’t want to hear it… (and if that’s the truth, I don’t want to know.)”
“How can you be so insensitive”…(and have an opinion that’s so hard for me to hear?)

Here are some ways to encourage honesty in relationships:

Say what you think, feel or desire without hostility.
Be open to self-discovery, learning and uncovering more truth about yourself.
Be able to be curious about your partner while managing your own reactions. Being able to contain and manage your reactions is critical for developing honesty in relationships.

Improve Your Relationship! Controlled Vulnerability

February 3, 2014 by Margie

Vulnerability is essential to intimacy. In The Intimacy Factor, Pia Mellody refers to “controlled vulnerability.” With controlled vulnerability, we keep our boundaries open enough for our partners to know us, but closed enough to defend us from destructive incoming energy. Sometimes we have to listen to some truth about ourselves that is negative. This vulnerability can be painful.

Pia Mellody gives us some useful tools for handling these situations. These tools allow us to open ourselves up to intimacy while moderating our vulnerability. She speaks about a listening boundary and a talking boundary. As you listen, you determine if what is being said is “true,” “untrue,” or “questionable.” If what you are learning is “true,” allow yourself to take in the information and feel your emotions about this truth. If what you are hearing is “not true,” she recommends detaching from feeling emotions about what is being said and just letting your feelings just pass through you. If what you hear if “questionable,” you ask for the data you need to decide if it is “true” or “not true.” She recommends asking for the data in 4 sentences or less without complaining, blaming, or explaining why you need the data. Remaining respectful is key. If someone yells, screams lies, or name-calls, this constitutes a boundary violation. If both partners respectfully agree that what is being said constitutes a problem in the relationship, they should continue discussion and then move toward negotiating a mutually acceptable agreement.

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Work With a Professional

It is my passion to work with couples and individuals to help improve their lives and relationships. If you would like to make an appointment to come see me and work on relationship issues you have with your partner, relatives/ family, etc. please call my direct line at (973) 220-9007 or fill out the form below. I will get back to you as soon as possible with my availabilities and we can get started on your healing journey!

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To get free tips and advice from Margie Freeman, LCSW join her Facebook page. Take flight on your healing journey today!

To Call or not to Call After a First Date?

January 27, 2014 by Margie

In his book “Mars and Venus on a Date,” John Gray provides an interesting (and somewhat controversial) guide on how to navigate from dating to creating a loving and lasting relationship. One issue that often arises is what a woman should do if the man does not call back after their first date.

Gray recommends:

Don’t call if you are upset with him for not calling.
If you do call, try not to ask questions or talk about the relationship. Instead, he recommends that you let the man know some good feelings. Let him know you enjoyed the activity. When a man feels he has been successful, he is more attracted to the woman.

Questions NOT to ask after a first date:

Are you seeing someone else?
Do you want to spend more time with me?
Did you have a good time? Do you like me?
How much time do you have available for a relationship? Are you busy this week? What are you doing next weekend? When would you like to get together again?

What to talk about:

Talk about what happened, not about him. For example, “I really liked the movie we saw.” Do not talk about him or say that you liked spending time with him. The less pressure he feels to spend time together, the more it frees his desire to spend more time together.
Let him know the positive responses you had and leave out the negative. If he feels he is succeeding, he will form an emotional bond of affection.
Ask for advice. Don’t give advice on anything. Men like to feel that they can offer some expertise. The more competent a man feels in the presence of the woman, the more attracted he will be to her.
Ask for his help. Don’t offer to help him in any way. According to Gray, when a woman calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.

What do you think of John Gray’s advice? What is your experience? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

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Interested in a different perspective? Check out these links: The Rebuttal from Uranus | Those Martian Women!

How do people change?

January 20, 2014 by Margie

Striving for New Goals in 2014

How do people change?

About 2,400 years ago, Aristotle said that habits (the things you repeat over and over again) lead to your character and that your character leads to your destiny. In recent years, there has been a lot of research on neuroplasticity, which verifies his perspective!

Many habits and addictions are a function of neuroplasticity. The paradox of neuroplasticity is that our brains can develop more rigid or more flexible behaviors. Be cautious about how you train your brain, because if you train yourself in bad habits, it will be difficult (not impossible) to overcome. Trained neurons fire stronger signals. Stay conscious, to train your brain to form habits that you desire.

As you set new goals for 2014, stay mindful of your goals and practice, practice, practice flexibility to develop desired new patterns. These repeated healthy patterns will eventually create new stronger pathways in your brain. You can train your brain for greater flexibility, and achieve your goals for the new year!

Trust After Betrayal

December 9, 2013 by Margie

Is it Possible to Trust after Betrayal?

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Betrayal is often a shattering experience, destroying self-esteem and breeding insecurity and self-doubt. It is often shocking and causes intense heartache, pain, and subsequent rage.

Here are some ideas that can help you trust again:

Get support: Ask yourself who will best support you—-family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. When you share your feelings, it helps to release the pain.
Act with Intention: Consider whether/when/how to confront the person who betrayed you. When you think it through in advance and act with intention, you can affect the entire healing process. As you weigh your options, think about the pros and cons of holding on to your anger and resentment vs. forgiving the person who betrayed you.
Make peace with yourself: Stop blaming yourself, so you can start to trust yourself again. Instead of negative self-statements (such as “I am an idiot” or “I am a loser,”), start telling yourself self-loving statements, such as “I am whole,” or “I am loveable.”

It takes a lot of courage and perseverance to move past the trauma of broken trust. However, once you have reconciled with yourself and perhaps with the person who betrayed you, you can move into a new realm of intimacy with yourself and with others.

Feel free to call me (973-220-9007) for some helpful books on the subject of healing after betrayal.