Margie Freeman LCSW

Providing individual and couples therapy counseling in South Orange and Northern New Jersey

Relationships

How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

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To Lie or Not to Lie – How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

honesty in relationshipsHonesty in marriage and relationships takes guts and courage. It is a process, not a one-time revelation. You build relationship “muscle” by telling and hearing smaller truths, so you and your partner can handle the tougher stuff.

One book I often encourage my clients to read is Ellyn Bader’s Tell Me No Lies. Below are some reasons partners lie to one another and some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling from Ellyn’s book.

Several reasons partners lie:

  • They want to look good….so they lie.

  • They want to avoid hurting or disappointing a partner…so they lie.

  • They fear that the truth will unleash conflict that will endanger the relationship…so they lie.

  • They feel stupid or ashamed about something they did…so they lie.

These are some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling:

  • “I want you to tell me how you feel…(but watch out if you tell me something I don’t want to hear.)”

  • “Tell me again why….(but this time tell me what I want to hear.)”

  • “I want the truth…(but you know I’ll suffer if you tell me.)”

  • “I don’t want to hear it… (and if that’s the truth, I don’t want to know.)”

  • “How can you be so insensitive”…(and have an opinion that’s so hard for me to hear?)

Here are some ways to encourage honesty in relationships:

  • Say what you think, feel or desire without hostility.

  • Be open to self-discovery, learning and uncovering more truth about yourself.

  • Be able to be curious about your partner while managing your own reactions. Being able to contain and manage your reactions is critical for developing honesty in relationships.

Improve Your Relationship! Controlled Vulnerability

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Controlled VulnerabilityVulnerability is essential to intimacy. In The Intimacy Factor, Pia Mellody refers to “controlled vulnerability.” With controlled vulnerability, we keep our boundaries open enough for our partners to know us, but closed enough to defend us from destructive incoming energy. Sometimes we have to listen to some truth about ourselves that is negative. This vulnerability can be painful.

Pia Mellody gives us some useful tools for handling these situations. These tools allow us to open ourselves up to intimacy while moderating our vulnerability. She speaks about a listening boundary and a talking boundary. As you listen, you determine if what is being said is “true,” “untrue,” or “questionable.” If what you are learning is “true,” allow yourself to take in the information and feel your emotions about this truth. If what you are hearing is “not true,” she recommends detaching from feeling emotions about what is being said and just letting your feelings just pass through you. If what you hear if “questionable,” you ask for the data you need to decide if it is “true” or “not true.” She recommends asking for the data in 4 sentences or less without complaining, blaming, or explaining why you need the data. Remaining respectful is key.  If someone yells, screams lies, or name-calls, this constitutes a boundary violation.  If both partners respectfully agree that what is being said constitutes a problem in the relationship, they should continue discussion and then move toward negotiating a mutually acceptable agreement.

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Work With a Professional

It is my passion to work with couples and individuals to help improve their lives and relationships. If you would like to make an appointment to come see me and work on relationship issues you have with your partner, relatives/ family, etc. please call my direct line at (973) 220-9007 or fill out the form below. I will get back to you as soon as possible with my availabilities and we can get started on your healing journey!

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To get free tips and advice from Margie Freeman, LCSW join her Facebook page. Take flight on your healing journey today!

 

To Call or not to Call After a First Date?

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To Call or Not to Call after a first date? When to call after a first dateIn his book “Mars and Venus on a Date,” John Gray provides an interesting (and somewhat controversial) guide on how to navigate from dating to creating a loving and lasting relationship. One issue that often arises is what a woman should do if the man does not call back after their first date.

Gray recommends:

  1. Don’t call if you are upset with him for not calling.
  2. If you do call, try not to ask questions or talk about the relationship. Instead, he recommends that you let the man know some good feelings. Let him know you enjoyed the activity. When a man feels he has been successful, he is more attracted to the woman.

 

Questions NOT to ask after a first date:

  1. Are you seeing someone else?
  2. Do you want to spend more time with me?
  3. Did you have a good time? Do you like me?
  4. How much time do you have available for a relationship? Are you busy this week? What are you doing next weekend? When would you like to get together again?

 

What to talk about:

  1. Talk about what happened, not about him. For example, “I really liked the movie we saw.” Do not talk about him or say that you liked spending time with him. The less pressure he feels to spend time together, the more it frees his desire to spend more time together.
  2. Let him know the positive responses you had and leave out the negative. If he feels he is succeeding, he will form an emotional bond of affection.
  3.  Ask for advice. Don’t  give advice on anything. Men like to feel that they can offer some expertise. The more competent a man feels in the presence of the woman, the more attracted he will be to her.
  4. Ask for his help. Don’t offer to help him in any way. According to Gray, when a woman calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.

What do you think of John Gray’s advice? What is your experience? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

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Interested in a different perspective? Check out these links: The Rebuttal from Uranus | Those Martian Women!

 

Trust After Betrayal

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Trust_margie_FreemanLCSWIs it Possible to Trust after Betrayal?

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Betrayal is often a shattering experience, destroying self-esteem and breeding insecurity and self-doubt. It is often shocking and causes intense heartache, pain, and subsequent rage.

Here are some ideas that can help you trust again:

  1. Get support: Ask yourself who will best support you—-family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. When you share your feelings, it helps to release the pain.
  2. Act with Intention: Consider whether/when/how to confront the person who betrayed you. When you think it through in advance and act with intention, you can affect the entire healing process. As you weigh your options, think about the pros and cons of holding on to your anger and resentment vs. forgiving the person who betrayed you.
  3. Make peace with yourself: Stop blaming yourself, so you can start to trust yourself again. Instead of negative self-statements (such as “I am an idiot” or “I am a loser,”), start telling yourself self-loving statements, such as “I am whole,” or “I am loveable.”

It takes a lot of courage and perseverance to move past the trauma of broken trust. However, once you have reconciled with yourself and perhaps with the person who betrayed you, you can move into a new realm of intimacy with yourself and with others.

Feel free to call me (973-220-9007) for some helpful books on the subject of healing after betrayal.

Unconditional Love – What We Can Learn from Ram Dass

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Loving_Awaress_MargieFreemanI just finished listening to a great webinar called  “How to Help People Connect to Loving Awareness: Expanding Our Capacity to Give and Receive Unconditional Love.”, with Ruth Buczynski interviewing Ram Dass. I had heard about Ram Dass, but never had the opportunity to hear him speak. It was very moving and inspiring to listen to him talk. I’ve recapped some of the most important points that Dass spoke about below.

Ram Dass has endured a lot of adversity, including a stroke in his life. “I saw the stroke as grace” he said, although the stroke kept him from golf, his sports car and his cello.  Dass says that grace helped him to go inside, to work within. He explained that grace taught him not to be time-bound. He said that spiritual work is so much in the present. He did not compare what he could do in the past with what he could do now. Dass found that his mind was causing him trouble because it was focusing on uncomfortable things—pain and problems and things he couldn’t do. He says that most people are dazzled by their senses, which keeps them from finding the jewel inside. I found it inspiring to learn that he could reinterpret this seemingly adverse experience of a stroke into an opportunity for deep spiritual growth.

Dass believes that all of us have an unimaginable depth for unconditional love. He talks about the spiritual heart as a connection to our soul. He advises us to go heart to heart, soul to soul, not role to role. If we want peace and love and connection, we must go inside to the heart and soul level, which is who we really are. He recommends that we take our finger to the middle of our chest and repeat saying “I am loving-awareness, I am love-awareness,” which then becomes an identity within us. Dass said that if we stay away from the ego and focus on “I am loving awareness,” we will feel this love rather than the anxiety, the fear, the inadequacy, and the pain.

Although I cannot do justice to his presentation in this post, I feel inspired to look inward. If he is able to see the blessings from having had a stroke, we, too, can strive to love unconditionally, make peace with the adversities in our own lives,  and find peace within. I highly recommend you hear him or read some of his books, including Be Here Now, Be Love Now, and Still Here.

Honest Communication in Relationships

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Honest Communication in relationshipsOpen, honest communication is one of the characteristics of a healthy, successful relationship. The important thing to remember is that conflict is inevitable in relationships. Naturally, there are differences between individuals in a couple. The key is in how you manage those differences

In healthy relationships, partners seek mutually satisfactory resolutions to conflicts. When differences come up, try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective. Ask yourself: Is it more important to be right, or more important to be intimate? Sometimes this will mean agreeing to disagree and sometimes this will mean compromising. It is important to admit when you are wrong or when you have hurt your partner. This often involves an apology. Try not to make excuses for your own or your partner’s actions. Each of you needs to acknowledge and state your needs and desires. It means treating your needs and desires and your partner’s needs and desires with equal regard and respect.

It can feel alienating when you are at odds with your partner. I hear many couples state: “We’re so different. We don’t agree on anything.”  Keep in mind that each of you should have an equal say, although there may be times when one of you may have a greater say because of more information or greater expertise in a specific area. Nevertheless, you still need to treat each other with respect and communicate your feelings and your ideas openly and honestly. Be mindful to have good will toward your partner and treat your partner as a friend, not an enemy even though you may be at odds. You need to see yourself as part of a couple, part of a team, which is stronger together than either would be alone. Remember that no issue is more important than the relationship.

 

Emotional Infidelity

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One of the biggest threats to marriage/relationships these days is “emotional infidelity.” It is not unusual for close relationships to develop in the workplace, but sometimes they spiral out of control. Do you find yourself keeping thoughts and  feelings from your  partner? Keeping secrets and trying to cover your tracks?  Do you find yourself thinking about your special work friend and opting out of activities with your partner or your family? If so, these could be warning signs of emotional infidelity.  If you spend extended time alone with your friend, you are “playing with fire.” That is when friendship often crosses the line from platonic to sexual.

Emotional Infidelity Margie Freeman LCSWEven if your friendship does not cross the line, when you share your deepest concerns, hopes, and dreams with this friend at work, it builds an emotional bond and deepens feelings of intimacy. If you start confiding in this friend about what is wrong with your partner or with your marriage/relationship, it can be viewed as a betrayal of trust. You may start to compare your mate with your work friend and conclude that your friend understands you better than your partner does. You gradually build a case in your mind, justifying your avoidance and mistreatment of your partner and your fantasized love relationship with your friend.

The intensity of emotional infidelity can be viewed as an addictive process. The neurochemicals that get activated when you think about and interact with this person are addictive. When you are addicted to a person, a substance, or an activity, you are not able to think clearly and make informed choices. These neurochemicals give you that quick fix of pleasure and reward the toxic pattern. An addiction to an activity, person or substance puts you in an intoxicating trance that does not allow you to think clearly. The “love addiction” helps numb feelings of pain, shame or guilt and provides temporary escape from the  responsibility of resolving the real issues of your marriage and your life.

If you find yourself “obsessed” with a friend at work (or elsewhere), it may be time to explore these feelings with a therapist and get clarity about the addictive process that is occurring. It is time to address the issues in yourself and in your primary relationship.

 

Vulnerability

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Vulnerability

Last week I wrote about perfectionism. Today I will focus on vulnerability which often has a direct link to perfectionism. Many view vulnerability as a sign of weakness. However, it takes tremendous courage to expose our vulnerability and reveal who we really are to others.  It is only when we are able to show our vulnerability and reveal who we really are that we can have authentic connection, genuine relationships.

Many of us fear that we are not good enough, not worthy enough.  In our culture, many people numb their vulnerability with various addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.). Once we accept our authentic selves and are willing to reveal them to others, we are able to love wholeheartedly.

According to Brene Brown, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change. In order to be innovative, to create, and furthermore to change something you need to try something different or new, you have to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown makes an interesting point that we cannot selectively numb feelings. If we numb fear and hurt, anger, and pain, we simultaneously numb joy, gratitude, and happiness. We need to commit to being kind and gentle to ourselves and kind and gentle to others. We need to cultivate gratitude and joy and stop numbing vulnerability.

Once we accept our own preciousness, despite our imperfections, we can embrace someone else’s preciousness, with that person’s imperfections. Once we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and possibly feel pain, we free ourselves to feel joy, pride, happiness, and gratitude as well.

Original “We Can Do It” poster produced by J. Howard Miller in 1943, adapted by www.creaminta.com