Relationships

Influence for Good

July 31, 2014 by Margie

Sometimes a special person can come into our lives and help us discover a new aspect of ourselves, sometimes even a better version of ourselves. That person might encourage us to try something that we have never tried before, to believe in ourselves in a way that we never thought about. We can be deeply enriched from that encounter.

As you reflect on the journey of your life, think of who has influenced you to be a better person. What did you appreciate about them? If it is still possible, let the person know the positive influence he/she had on you. Your gratitude will be a boon to both of you.

Also think about what impact you are having on others. Can you do something to make someone else’s life better? Can you influence those around you to be the best that they can be? If so, this, too will be a win-win.

The Importance of Fathers

June 16, 2014 by Margie

Since yesterday was Father’s Day, I am focusing today’s post on the importance of fathers on the well-being of their children.

It is interesting to note that one way that fathers influence their children is indirect—-through the quality of their relationship with the mothers of their children.

Research has shown that fathers who have good relationships with the mothers of their children are more likely to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier.

When fathers treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict appropriately, they are more likely to raise boys who understand how to treat women and who are less likely to be aggressive toward females.

Girls raised by respectful and involved fathers are less likely to get involved in violent or unhealthy relationships. In contrast, research has also shown that fathers who display anger and contempt toward their wives or who give their wives the silent treatment are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or anti-social.

Children with involved, caring fathers tend to have better educational outcomes as well. They tend to have higher IQ’s, better linguistic capacity, and greater academic achievement.

Children raised by involved fathers are also more likely to be emotionally secure and have better social connections with peers. They tend to be more comfortable in exploring the world and more likely to exhibit self-control.

In summary, fathers have a powerful and potentially positive impact on their children, so don’t underestimate them!

If you want to learn more, you can go to www.fatherhood.org or www.fathers.com.

Happy Belated Father’s Day!

The important Influence of Fathers

Commitment

June 8, 2014 by Margie

Deciding whether or not to commit to a relationship is one of the most important decisions of your life. Pat Love, in The Truth About Love, suggests taking a close, soul-searching look at your relationship.

Here are some key questions she suggests that you ask yourself:

Are you certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If somehow you inherited fifty million dollars, would you stay in this relationship?

If you knew for sure you were going to live to age 100 and be in good health, is this the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with?

Are you completely honest about your spending?

Do you consult each other on important matters?

Do you weigh personal decisions against implications for you and your partner?

Do you take responsibility for repairing damage to your relationship?

Would it be really difficult for you to lose this relationship?

Do you feel 100% clear about staying in this relationship?

When commitment is in question, there is no sense of safety in a relationship. Sometimes people avoid commitment due to fear of connection. However, if you fear commitment, you will prevent a deep connection with your partner. If you do commit, one of the ways that you can demonstrate commitment is by making your partner’s needs a priority in areas that touch his/her heart. This might mean putting your own needs on hold at times. You can also acknowledge and appreciate the ways your partner shows dedication. Pat says “A satisfying relationship is the single greatest predictor of success in life…an unhappy relationship can make your life miserable.” I say, “choose wisely.”

Embracing Emotion

June 2, 2014 by Margie

One of the many benefits of mindfulness practice is that it helps us cultivate “affect tolerance.” We learn how to tolerate our emotions, particularly painful ones, without running away from them. When we spend time allowing ourselves to experience our feelings without escaping into entertainment or distraction, we become better at tolerating discomfort.

When we learn how to endure and embrace our own emotions, we can also practice being with all the emotions that arise in relationships. If we are no longer so afraid of having our feelings hurt, we can be more flexible and open in our relationships. Learning to tolerate our feelings helps us listen to others, to be with them in their feelings.This empathy helps relationships deepen. If we attempt to avoid discomfort, it can isolate us from others. If we choose not to expose our vulnerabilities to others, we end up alone.

Being able to share and communicate our emotions, including our vulnerabilities, helps us feel close in love relationships and friendships. Practice tolerating, embracing and sharing your emotions with significant others in your life. You’ll be glad you did! Embracing Emotions

Complaint, Criticism, and Contempt. Learn the differences and improve your relationships.

May 19, 2014 by Margie

How we communicate our displeasure can make all the difference in the world to the quality of your relationship. John Gottman (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail) points out the distinctions between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.

A complaint is a specific statement of distress, displeasure, or anger. A criticism is more global, less specific. When you complain, you are referring to a particular action (or lack of action). When you criticize, you are attacking the character of the person.

For example, a complaint is: ” I am disappointed that you did not make plans for us to go out last Saturday night.” A criticism is: “You never make plans for us to go out.”

Contempt has the intention of insulting your partner. You are stabbing into the heart of your partner’s sense of self with words and body language. Contempt can involve insults, name-calling, and/or mockery. Some signs of contempt are communicated with body language: sneering, rolling your eyes, glaring, etc.

An example of contempt would be: “You are such a passive and selfish bastard, you can’t be bothered with asking me out.” Contempt (and disgust) can overwhelm a relationship, are toxic to the ongoing health of the relationship, and should be banned from couple interactions.

Complaints are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Your must communicate what is troubling you authentically and honestly. If criticism becomes pervasive, and if your partner is sensitive to it, it can corrode the relationship.

Your relationship will improve if you you approach your partner with specific complaints rather than attacking your partner’s character. Criticism and contempt need to be countered with compliments and expressions of mutual admiration if you want your relationship to succeed. Learning how you communicate can make all the difference in the world!

Strategies for Successful Marriage

May 12, 2014 by Margie

Psychologist John Gottman is a pioneer in researching marriage, studying thousands of couples for over 4 decades! He is renowned for his ability to predict—with 94% accuracy—which couples will stay married and which will divorce, by listening to their recorded conversations.

He has identified what he calls “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”, 1) criticism, 2) contempt, 3) defensiveness, and 4) stonewalling. If your relationship feels like it is being overwhelmed by negativity, be sure to avoid these 4 behaviors during disagreements if you want your marriage to survive.

Here are some strategies to improve your marriage:

1) Calm down. Recognize when you or your spouse has become flooded (over-emotional) and give yourselves time to calm down before continuing a difficult discussion.

2) Speak non-defensively—both when speaking and when listening. Non-defensive listening doesn’t mean you need to agree with your partner. Just try to understand your partner’s feelings and accept them as legitimate. Empathize with your partner’s emotions and viewpoint, so your partner will feel supported and validated.

3) Choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse. Become the architect of your thoughts, your inner script. Look at the positive qualities of your partner. Learn to think empathically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through. Once you begin rethinking your marriage, let your partner know what you appreciate. He/she will appreciate your genuine, heartfelt appreciation, even if it seems unnatural at first.

4) Make sure that your day to day interactions include lots of validation and other expressions of respect and affection. Respect is the minimum of love.

If you master these skills during non-crisis times, they will be easier to access when you are in the midst of an argument. As with any new endeavor, learning to argue effectively takes practice—but it is worth it for a healthy, long-term intimate relationship.

Feel free to call me if you need more guidance with your communications.

Improve marriage.

Becoming a Conscious Marriage Partner and Parent

April 22, 2014 by Margie

People get stuck in parenting where they themselves are stunted psychologically, and the same is true of marriage partners, according to Harville Hendrix (Giving the Love that Heals). Marriage can be healing when both partners restore their own wholeness by stretching to meet each other’s needs. Parenting can be healing when parents stretch to meet the needs of their children at precisely those stages at which their own behavior became incomplete. Both marriage and parenting can be transformational because the healing experiences can change the character of the people involved.

Harville Hendrix refers to “conscious marriage” and “conscious parenting” and offers tools for how parents can grow through parenting their own children. These parenting tools, similar to conscious marriage communication, include intentional dialogue which involves mirroring, validating, and empathizing. He warns that the cycle of wounding will continue until parents undertake to become more conscious in their relationship with each other and with their children.

Please call Counseling Care Specialties at 973-432-5115 to learn more about how to become a conscious marriage partner and a conscious parent.

Make Your Relationship Last! No More Ignoring Your Issues.

March 17, 2014 by Margie

So often in my work with couples, I see a pattern that one or both of the partners of a couple fail to express their needs, issues, or problems. It sometimes feels easier to ignore our concerns and push them away. Maybe we are afraid of hurting our partner’s feelings or afraid of an angry response.

When we don’t express our needs and concerns, our resentment builds. There is sometimes an explosive conflict or a gradual shut down by one or both parties. Minimizing your issues may seem easier in the moment, but it only makes the issues grow larger in the long run.

If you don’t express your concerns, it creates distance between you and your partner. If you refrain from telling your truth, you sacrifice an authentic connection with your partner. This will ultimately sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship. You will harbor resentment due to your unmet needs and unexpressed feelings.

I encourage my clients to be honest with themselves, to speak their truths to each other in respectful ways. Remember that your needs are not more important or less important than those of your partner.

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