Parenting

Becoming a Conscious Marriage Partner and Parent

April 22, 2014 by Margie

People get stuck in parenting where they themselves are stunted psychologically, and the same is true of marriage partners, according to Harville Hendrix (Giving the Love that Heals). Marriage can be healing when both partners restore their own wholeness by stretching to meet each other’s needs. Parenting can be healing when parents stretch to meet the needs of their children at precisely those stages at which their own behavior became incomplete. Both marriage and parenting can be transformational because the healing experiences can change the character of the people involved.

Harville Hendrix refers to “conscious marriage” and “conscious parenting” and offers tools for how parents can grow through parenting their own children. These parenting tools, similar to conscious marriage communication, include intentional dialogue which involves mirroring, validating, and empathizing. He warns that the cycle of wounding will continue until parents undertake to become more conscious in their relationship with each other and with their children.

Please call Counseling Care Specialties at 973-432-5115 to learn more about how to become a conscious marriage partner and a conscious parent.

Make Your Relationship Last! No More Ignoring Your Issues.

March 17, 2014 by Margie

So often in my work with couples, I see a pattern that one or both of the partners of a couple fail to express their needs, issues, or problems. It sometimes feels easier to ignore our concerns and push them away. Maybe we are afraid of hurting our partner’s feelings or afraid of an angry response.

When we don’t express our needs and concerns, our resentment builds. There is sometimes an explosive conflict or a gradual shut down by one or both parties. Minimizing your issues may seem easier in the moment, but it only makes the issues grow larger in the long run.

If you don’t express your concerns, it creates distance between you and your partner. If you refrain from telling your truth, you sacrifice an authentic connection with your partner. This will ultimately sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship. You will harbor resentment due to your unmet needs and unexpressed feelings.

I encourage my clients to be honest with themselves, to speak their truths to each other in respectful ways. Remember that your needs are not more important or less important than those of your partner.

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Please give me a call at (973)220-9007 or email me by filling out the form below to schedule an appointment.

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How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

February 10, 2014 by Margie

To Lie or Not to Lie – How to Develop Honesty in Relationships

Honesty in marriage and relationships takes guts and courage. It is a process, not a one-time revelation. You build relationship “muscle” by telling and hearing smaller truths, so you and your partner can handle the tougher stuff.

One book I often encourage my clients to read is Ellyn Bader’s Tell Me No Lies. Below are some reasons partners lie to one another and some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling from Ellyn’s book.

Several reasons partners lie:

They want to look good….so they lie.
They want to avoid hurting or disappointing a partner…so they lie.
They fear that the truth will unleash conflict that will endanger the relationship…so they lie.
They feel stupid or ashamed about something they did…so they lie.

These are some classic lie inviting behaviors that inhibit truth telling:

“I want you to tell me how you feel…(but watch out if you tell me something I don’t want to hear.)”
“Tell me again why….(but this time tell me what I want to hear.)”
“I want the truth…(but you know I’ll suffer if you tell me.)”
“I don’t want to hear it… (and if that’s the truth, I don’t want to know.)”
“How can you be so insensitive”…(and have an opinion that’s so hard for me to hear?)

Here are some ways to encourage honesty in relationships:

Say what you think, feel or desire without hostility.
Be open to self-discovery, learning and uncovering more truth about yourself.
Be able to be curious about your partner while managing your own reactions. Being able to contain and manage your reactions is critical for developing honesty in relationships.

To Call or not to Call After a First Date?

January 27, 2014 by Margie

In his book “Mars and Venus on a Date,” John Gray provides an interesting (and somewhat controversial) guide on how to navigate from dating to creating a loving and lasting relationship. One issue that often arises is what a woman should do if the man does not call back after their first date.

Gray recommends:

Don’t call if you are upset with him for not calling.
If you do call, try not to ask questions or talk about the relationship. Instead, he recommends that you let the man know some good feelings. Let him know you enjoyed the activity. When a man feels he has been successful, he is more attracted to the woman.

Questions NOT to ask after a first date:

Are you seeing someone else?
Do you want to spend more time with me?
Did you have a good time? Do you like me?
How much time do you have available for a relationship? Are you busy this week? What are you doing next weekend? When would you like to get together again?

What to talk about:

Talk about what happened, not about him. For example, “I really liked the movie we saw.” Do not talk about him or say that you liked spending time with him. The less pressure he feels to spend time together, the more it frees his desire to spend more time together.
Let him know the positive responses you had and leave out the negative. If he feels he is succeeding, he will form an emotional bond of affection.
Ask for advice. Don’t give advice on anything. Men like to feel that they can offer some expertise. The more competent a man feels in the presence of the woman, the more attracted he will be to her.
Ask for his help. Don’t offer to help him in any way. According to Gray, when a woman calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.

What do you think of John Gray’s advice? What is your experience? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

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Interested in a different perspective? Check out these links: The Rebuttal from Uranus | Those Martian Women!

Unconditional Love – What We Can Learn from Ram Dass

November 4, 2013 by Margie

Loving_Awaress_MargieFreeman I just finished listening to a great webinar called “How to Help People Connect to Loving Awareness: Expanding Our Capacity to Give and Receive Unconditional Love.”, with Ruth Buczynski interviewing Ram Dass. I had heard about Ram Dass, but never had the opportunity to hear him speak. It was very moving and inspiring to listen to him talk. I’ve recapped some of the most important points that Dass spoke about below.

Ram Dass has endured a lot of adversity, including a stroke in his life. “I saw the stroke as grace” he said, although the stroke kept him from golf, his sports car and his cello. Dass says that grace helped him to go inside, to work within. He explained that grace taught him not to be time-bound. He said that spiritual work is so much in the present. He did not compare what he could do in the past with what he could do now. Dass found that his mind was causing him trouble because it was focusing on uncomfortable things—pain and problems and things he couldn’t do. He says that most people are dazzled by their senses, which keeps them from finding the jewel inside. I found it inspiring to learn that he could reinterpret this seemingly adverse experience of a stroke into an opportunity for deep spiritual growth.

Dass believes that all of us have an unimaginable depth for unconditional love. He talks about the spiritual heart as a connection to our soul. He advises us to go heart to heart, soul to soul, not role to role. If we want peace and love and connection, we must go inside to the heart and soul level, which is who we really are. He recommends that we take our finger to the middle of our chest and repeat saying “I am loving-awareness, I am love-awareness,” which then becomes an identity within us. Dass said that if we stay away from the ego and focus on “I am loving awareness,” we will feel this love rather than the anxiety, the fear, the inadequacy, and the pain.

Although I cannot do justice to his presentation in this post, I feel inspired to look inward. If he is able to see the blessings from having had a stroke, we, too, can strive to love unconditionally, make peace with the adversities in our own lives, and find peace within. I highly recommend you hear him or read some of his books, including Be Here Now, Be Love Now, and Still Here.

Emotional Infidelity

September 30, 2013 by Margie

One of the biggest threats to marriage/relationships these days is “emotional infidelity.” It is not unusual for close relationships to develop in the workplace, but sometimes they spiral out of control. Do you find yourself keeping thoughts and feelings from your partner? Keeping secrets and trying to cover your tracks? Do you find yourself thinking about your special work friend and opting out of activities with your partner or your family? If so, these could be warning signs of emotional infidelity. If you spend extended time alone with your friend, you are “playing with fire.” That is when friendship often crosses the line from platonic to sexual.

Even if your friendship does not cross the line, when you share your deepest concerns, hopes, and dreams with this friend at work, it builds an emotional bond and deepens feelings of intimacy. If you start confiding in this friend about what is wrong with your partner or with your marriage/relationship, it can be viewed as a betrayal of trust. You may start to compare your mate with your work friend and conclude that your friend understands you better than your partner does. You gradually build a case in your mind, justifying your avoidance and mistreatment of your partner and your fantasized love relationship with your friend.

The intensity of emotional infidelity can be viewed as an addictive process. The neurochemicals that get activated when you think about and interact with this person are addictive. When you are addicted to a person, a substance, or an activity, you are not able to think clearly and make informed choices. These neurochemicals give you that quick fix of pleasure and reward the toxic pattern. An addiction to an activity, person or substance puts you in an intoxicating trance that does not allow you to think clearly. The “love addiction” helps numb feelings of pain, shame or guilt and provides temporary escape from the responsibility of resolving the real issues of your marriage and your life.

If you find yourself “obsessed” with a friend at work (or elsewhere), it may be time to explore these feelings with a therapist and get clarity about the addictive process that is occurring. It is time to address the issues in yourself and in your primary relationship.

Vulnerability

September 23, 2013 by Margie

Vulnerability

Last week I wrote about perfectionism. Today I will focus on vulnerability which often has a direct link to perfectionism. Many view vulnerability as a sign of weakness. However, it takes tremendous courage to expose our vulnerability and reveal who we really are to others. It is only when we are able to show our vulnerability and reveal who we really are that we can have authentic connection, genuine relationships.

Many of us fear that we are not good enough, not worthy enough. In our culture, many people numb their vulnerability with various addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.). Once we accept our authentic selves and are willing to reveal them to others, we are able to love wholeheartedly.

According to Brene Brown, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change. In order to be innovative, to create, and furthermore to change something you need to try something different or new, you have to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown makes an interesting point that we cannot selectively numb feelings. If we numb fear and hurt, anger, and pain, we simultaneously numb joy, gratitude, and happiness. We need to commit to being kind and gentle to ourselves and kind and gentle to others. We need to cultivate gratitude and joy and stop numbing vulnerability.

Once we accept our own preciousness, despite our imperfections, we can embrace someone else’s preciousness, with that person’s imperfections. Once we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and possibly feel pain, we free ourselves to feel joy, pride, happiness, and gratitude as well.

Original “We Can Do It” poster produced by J. Howard Miller in 1943, adapted by www.creaminta.com

Three Kinds of Boundaries and Why You Need Them In All of Your Relationships

August 12, 2013 by Margie

Boundaries are systems you create for setting limits in relationships with others. We all have different wants and needs and require various boundaries for our relationships. Each of us needs to contain ourselves in certain ways so as not to be offensive to others. In turn, we also need to set boundaries to protect ourselves from others.

Boundaries are necessary in relationships. A boundary functions as a filter. You don’t want to have a wall for a boundary, or you cannot have meaningful intimate exchange. If you have no boundaries, you leave yourself open and vulnerable to becoming a victim. Boundaries teach others how you would like to treated in a relationship and otherwise.

Boundaries need to be semi-permeable. They enable you to know and be known by others in a respectful way. Respect is necessary in all relationships, especially intimate ones.

Spatial Boundaries:

You have the right to control how close someone gets to you and whether someone can touch you and/or your personal property. The other person has the same rights.

Sexual Boundaries:

When someone is approaching you sexually, you have the right to decide with whom you want to be sexual and under what circumstances: when, where, how, etc. Others have the same rights if you approach them sexually.

Verbal Communication Boundaries:

When someone is speaking to you, determine whether what the other person is saying is true or not true, possibly true, but you need more information to decide, or a boundary violation. When you speak to someone else, they have the right to decide the same about what you are saying. If what they are saying is a boundary violation, you need to stand up for yourself and call them on it.

Be conscious of how you feel and try to realize when you feel happy or unhappy. Think about the kinds of spatial, sexual, and verbal boundaries you can set to help your relationships thrive. At first, It can be daunting to implement your boundaries, especially if you are not accustomed to setting limits in your relationships.

There are many ways I can help develop the skills and the courage to create boundaries to improve the quality of your life and of your relationships. Please give me a call at 973-220-9007 or e-mail me at [email protected].