The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. -Carl Rogers
Influence for Good
Sometimes a special person can come into our lives and help us discover a new aspect of ourselves, sometimes even a better version of ourselves. That person might encourage us to try something that we have never tried before, to believe in ourselves in a way that we never thought about. We can be deeply enriched from that encounter.
As you reflect on the journey of your life, think of who has influenced you to be a better person. What did you appreciate about them? If it is still possible, let the person know the positive influence he/she had on you. Your gratitude will be a boon to both of you.
Also think about what impact you are having on others. Can you do something to make someone else’s life better? Can you influence those around you to be the best that they can be? If so, this, too will be a win-win.
Serenity and Learning to Live Well
Dr. Eve Wood (Medicine, Mind, and Miracles) reflects on the fact that we live in a painful and imperfect world. We experience fear, disappointment, abandonment, failure, grief, loss and death. How can we find solace and meaning in such a world?
Life can “turn on a dime.” Just yesterday, my sister’s partner of 20+ years suddenly fell unconscious and is currently in the hospital. They are keeping him unconscious for 3 days to improve his chances of recovery. However, we don’t know if he will ever regain consciousness. There are no guarantees. How, then, can we handle the monumental and sometimes overwhelming task of living “and still keep a song in our heart?”
Dr. Wood concludes that the way we live our lives is a reflection of how we look at the complexity of life. Do we choose to look for lessons in loss, connection in loneliness, and opportunity in failure? Can we forgive ourselves and others for our limitations? Can we look at ourselves as having been endowed with innate value? Can we appreciate our unique gifts and share them with others?
There is so much wisdom in the “serenity prayer,” composed by Renhold Niebuhr (later adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous):
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…”Let us all choose wisely—to embrace life in all its messiness and learn to live well. Let us appreciate each moment and not take life or each other for granted. May we make the most of our lives and contribute to the lives of others and to improving our world.
The Importance of Fathers
Since yesterday was Father’s Day, I am focusing today’s post on the importance of fathers on the well-being of their children.
It is interesting to note that one way that fathers influence their children is indirect—-through the quality of their relationship with the mothers of their children.
Research has shown that fathers who have good relationships with the mothers of their children are more likely to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier.
When fathers treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict appropriately, they are more likely to raise boys who understand how to treat women and who are less likely to be aggressive toward females.
Girls raised by respectful and involved fathers are less likely to get involved in violent or unhealthy relationships. In contrast, research has also shown that fathers who display anger and contempt toward their wives or who give their wives the silent treatment are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or anti-social.
Children with involved, caring fathers tend to have better educational outcomes as well. They tend to have higher IQ’s, better linguistic capacity, and greater academic achievement.
Children raised by involved fathers are also more likely to be emotionally secure and have better social connections with peers. They tend to be more comfortable in exploring the world and more likely to exhibit self-control.
In summary, fathers have a powerful and potentially positive impact on their children, so don’t underestimate them!
If you want to learn more, you can go to www.fatherhood.org or www.fathers.com.
Happy Belated Father’s Day!
The important Influence of Fathers
Commitment
Deciding whether or not to commit to a relationship is one of the most important decisions of your life. Pat Love, in The Truth About Love, suggests taking a close, soul-searching look at your relationship.
Here are some key questions she suggests that you ask yourself:
- Are you certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
- If somehow you inherited fifty million dollars, would you stay in this relationship?
- If you knew for sure you were going to live to age 100 and be in good health, is this the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with?
- Are you completely honest about your spending?
- Do you consult each other on important matters?
- Do you weigh personal decisions against implications for you and your partner?
- Do you take responsibility for repairing damage to your relationship?
- Would it be really difficult for you to lose this relationship?
- Do you feel 100% clear about staying in this relationship?
When commitment is in question, there is no sense of safety in a relationship. Sometimes people avoid commitment due to fear of connection. However, if you fear commitment, you will prevent a deep connection with your partner. If you do commit, one of the ways that you can demonstrate commitment is by making your partner’s needs a priority in areas that touch his/her heart. This might mean putting your own needs on hold at times. You can also acknowledge and appreciate the ways your partner shows dedication. Pat says “A satisfying relationship is the single greatest predictor of success in life…an unhappy relationship can make your life miserable.” I say, “choose wisely.”
Embracing Emotion
One of the many benefits of mindfulness practice is that it helps us cultivate “affect tolerance.” We learn how to tolerate our emotions, particularly painful ones, without running away from them. When we spend time allowing ourselves to experience our feelings without escaping into entertainment or distraction, we become better at tolerating discomfort.
When we learn how to endure and embrace our own emotions, we can also practice being with all the emotions that arise in relationships. If we are no longer so afraid of having our feelings hurt, we can be more flexible and open in our relationships. Learning to tolerate our feelings helps us listen to others, to be with them in their feelings.This empathy helps relationships deepen. If we attempt to avoid discomfort, it can isolate us from others. If we choose not to expose our vulnerabilities to others, we end up alone.
Being able to share and communicate our emotions, including our vulnerabilities, helps us feel close in love relationships and friendships. Practice tolerating, embracing and sharing your emotions with significant others in your life. You’ll be glad you did! Embracing Emotions
3 Tips for Living Life to the Fullest
I
n his best-selling book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (And It’s All Small Stuff), Richard Carlson offers 100 suggestions for keeping life in perspective. Here are 3 of my favorites:
1) Choose Being Kind Over Being Right: We are often tempted to “correct people,” to put them down, or to prove that we are right and they are wrong. However, in order to experience equanimity, we should choose kindness over being right most of the time. If we insist on being right, we too often pay the price—our inner peace. When we are kind, we experience positive feelings.
2) Keep Asking Yourself: “What Is Really Important?” Many of us feel lost and overwhelmed in the responsibilities and chaos of our lives. When we are overwhelmed, it is easy to forget about and postpone what is truly dear to our hearts. It is helpful to check in with ourselves periodically and ask: What is really important?” This helps keep us aware that we have choices. It helps us align our actions with our goals and our priorities.
3) Be Open To “What Is.” This is a basic spiritual principle in many philosophies. We experience internal struggle when we want life to be a certain way and then it doesn’t go the way we wanted. Once we accept life the way it is, and embrace the truth of the moment, it will lead us to greater peace of mind and well-being.
To get started on your healing journey setup an appointment with Margie Freeman, LCSW by clicking here or calling her direct line at (973) 432-5115.
Complaint, Criticism, and Contempt. Learn the differences and improve your relationships.
How we communicate our displeasure can make all the difference in the world to the quality of your relationship. John Gottman (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail) points out the distinctions between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.
A complaint is a specific statement of distress, displeasure, or anger. A criticism is more global, less specific. When you complain, you are referring to a particular action (or lack of action). When you criticize, you are attacking the character of the person.
For example, a complaint is: ” I am disappointed that you did not make plans for us to go out last Saturday night.” A criticism is: “You never make plans for us to go out.”
Contempt has the intention of insulting your partner. You are stabbing into the heart of your partner’s sense of self with words and body language. Contempt can involve insults, name-calling, and/or mockery. Some signs of contempt are communicated with body language: sneering, rolling your eyes, glaring, etc.
An example of contempt would be: “You are such a passive and selfish bastard, you can’t be bothered with asking me out.” Contempt (and disgust) can overwhelm a relationship, are toxic to the ongoing health of the relationship, and should be banned from couple interactions.
Complaints are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Your must communicate what is troubling you authentically and honestly. If criticism becomes pervasive, and if your partner is sensitive to it, it can corrode the relationship.
Your relationship will improve if you you approach your partner with specific complaints rather than attacking your partner’s character. Criticism and contempt need to be countered with compliments and expressions of mutual admiration if you want your relationship to succeed. Learning how you communicate can make all the difference in the world!