Of all the issues clients bring to therapy, perfectionism is one of the most difficult to overcome. Perfectionists tend to fear failure and disapproval. They often avoid trying new things because they fear they won’t be good at them. They might feel they have to get straight A’s in school. They often have difficulty making decisions because it might not be the right or perfect decision. They keep pushing themselves relentlessly, striving for unattainable perfection.
Often times, perfectionism is over-compensation for shame. Perfectionists often have a core belief about their inner “badness” or “worthlessness.” They believe that no matter how much they achieve or do, they will never be good enough.
Perfectionists often look to others for praise and approval. They begin to equate achievement with love. They feel they need to get better and better until they are perfect, and only then will they be worthy of love.
A perfectionist’s level of self-esteem rises or falls, depending on the external feedback they get from others. When they hear compliments, praise, and positive words, they feel good. When they hear criticism, they feel despondent and worthless. Since the feelings of shame are so intolerable, they keep striving for more and more perfection, thinking this will bring them love and acceptance. They set incredibly high standards.. They set themselves up for inevitable disappointment and failure to meet their impossible standards.
In order to let go of perfectionism, it takes a lot of work on oneself. Letting go of perfectionism is easier to achieve with the help of a warm, caring, accepting, encouraging and supportive therapist. Releasing perfectionism is one of the keys to a richer, happier, more enjoyable life.
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