Did your parents frequently say “Shame on you”. You embarrassed me. What will our neighbors think?” Have you ever wondered about how that affected who you are today? There are many common characteristics of people who grew up in dysfunctional families. One of these characteristics is that they are shame-based.
Eventually a child who has been shamed feels ashamed of who he/she is, of his/her very essence. The child often takes on the shame of a family secret, e.g., that Dad is an alcoholic, or that Mom is mentally ill. The child may identify with the shame as if he/she did something wrong. The child tends to hide his/her private self in order to preserve and uphold the family image. The child develops a public persona, or false self, in order to show the outside world a happy, smiling face. The child feels he/she has to suppress all his/her fears, insecurities, and secrets. This can lead to addictive behavior, as it takes more and more of a substance (cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or food) or a behavior (sex, gambling) to keep pushing down the true feelings, fears, and insecurities.
Next time I will write about other characteristics of the dysfunctional family. If you feel you grew up in a shame-based dysfunctional family, there is hope that you can heal. Please give me a call to get started on your healing journey.