Psychologist John Gottman is a pioneer in researching marriage, studying thousands of couples for over 4 decades! He is renowned for his ability to predict—with 94% accuracy—which couples will stay married and which will divorce, by listening to their recorded conversations.
He has identified what he calls “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”, 1) criticism, 2) contempt, 3) defensiveness, and 4) stonewalling. If your relationship feels like it is being overwhelmed by negativity, be sure to avoid these 4 behaviors during disagreements if you want your marriage to survive.
Here are some strategies to improve your marriage:
1) Calm down. Recognize when you or your spouse has become flooded (over-emotional) and give yourselves time to calm down before continuing a difficult discussion.
2) Speak non-defensively—both when speaking and when listening. Non-defensive listening doesn’t mean you need to agree with your partner. Just try to understand your partner’s feelings and accept them as legitimate. Empathize with your partner’s emotions and viewpoint, so your partner will feel supported and validated.
3) Choose to have a positive mindset about your spouse. Become the architect of your thoughts, your inner script. Look at the positive qualities of your partner. Learn to think empathically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through. Once you begin rethinking your marriage, let your partner know what you appreciate. He/she will appreciate your genuine, heartfelt appreciation, even if it seems unnatural at first.
4) Make sure that your day to day interactions include lots of validation and other expressions of respect and affection. Respect is the minimum of love.
If you master these skills during non-crisis times, they will be easier to access when you are in the midst of an argument. As with any new endeavor, learning to argue effectively takes practice—but it is worth it for a healthy, long-term intimate relationship.
Feel free to call me if you need more guidance with your communications.
Improve marriage.
Improve marriage.